WELCOME TO HUGTOWN, Things food commercials have taught me
Things food commercials have taught me
  • High-quality food moves REALLY SLOWLY.
  • All fruits (especially lemons) have about a gallon of juice in them.
  • Frozen dinner is the best way to spice up a romantic evening am I right
  • We require the full backstory of everyone who eats at Olive Garden.
  • White people love ASIAN SEASONINGS
  • Men are physically incapable of cooking anywhere but at the grill.
  • Naturally, women do the rest of it.
  • Adding the word “Natural” to any sentence means it’s good for you duh
  • Hellman Mayo is the answer to everything.
  • Teenagers hate dinner.
  • All cheese stretches a mile before accepting its fate.
  • Speaking of cheese, having real cheese is something of an achievement.
  • Sargento’s is passionate about cheese. But damn they’re persnickety about it.
  • Candy is the best thing ever and everyone laughs while eating it.
  • Only hipsters eat wheat crackers. Preferably on rooftops.
  • Starbursts and Skittles will turn your life into a non sequitur.
  • Beef jerky is only eaten by racists (poor sasquatch).
  • Bud Light is somehow delicious and will turn you into the manliest straight white guy who ever got hit on at a bar.
  • He doesn’t always drink beer, but when he does, he prefers Dos Equis.
  • Papa John’s guy has a trustworthy face.
  • Oh yes Domino’s did.
  • It is only acceptable for women to drink soda in the sexiest way possible.
  • All potatoes are farm-grown. NATURALLY FARM GROWN.
  • A chef prefers THIS and YOU ARE WRONG
  • Campbell’s soup is delicious on Uncle Ben’s.
  • Zatarain’s makes you hallucinate about Mari Gras.
  • McDonald’s is good for you.
  • Wendy is a real person apparently.
  • The Burger King is awesome.
  • P.F. Chang’s is basically China don’t waste your money on a flight.
  • Outback Steakhouse is REALLY AUSTRALIAN OKAY
  • Kids love their vegetables.
  • Hey man that’s Bobby Flay.
  • Coca-Cola is magical.
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